Dating someone who believes in no sex before marriage

Some of the most common questions are about this kind of thing. For instance, one question asks if you'd be willing to date someone who did not want to have sex before marriage. Of course, you'll say, "Yes," but it's not just that -- you can also specify which answer your ideal mate would give, and you can rate it by level of importance , with the highest being "mandatory. Then, anytime you're looking at someone's profile, go to the section that shows this person's answers, and try to find the relevant questions.

You can filter these to show only the "dating" questions or only the "sex" questions. I wouldn't underestimate the potential to find someone who's not religious, and doesn't generally live by this rule, but is just so into you that they're willing to make the sacrifice for you. Let me put this from one guy's personal position.

As a man, I would perhaps reach the point rather soon in a dating situation where sex began to suggest itself. Given your view, I would truly appreciate an explanation why what I wanted clearly differed from what you had in mind. Then, your position made clear, I would 1 appreciate your honesty and forthrightness and position and thus respect it; or appreicate your honesty and forthrightness and decide we differed too much in that area to have an on-going relationship.

I can not truly say which of the two options I would choose unless I were really in that situation. You can state in your profile that you don't want sexual contact until marriage. That'll filter out a lot of people for you, avoiding any need to have an awkward conversation, and no one will be able to accuse you of misleading them. It may actually work to your advantage, making your profile stand out, and attract some people who are in a similar situation to you.

The more I think about this, the more I realize it's kind of hard to answer without getting any more information. Anonymous's definition of "sexual relations" is very important - how in-line it is with the rest of society is going to affect how early boundaries must be negotiated. Also, unfortunately, Anonymous's gender and sexual orientation play a factor in advice. It's sort of assumed in some cultures that Guys Want Sex and Girl's Don't, so it's sometimes easier for girls to date while celibate and harder for guys. Be upfront about it, say within the first couple of minutes or hours of knowing someone and definitely before the first date.

If you're ok with that, great. If not, or if you think I'm going to change my mind because of something you do, then we should part company now. Yes, it sucks for you, but that's the way to do it. Otherwise, try online dating and stipulate your feelings about the subject upfront, like above. Your post doesn't say if you are female, but if you are, go slowly as some guys will probably take your stance as a challenge.

Actually, even if you're guy, women might take it as a challenge. Also, you need to be clear about what you mean by sexual relations? Is oral sex ok? More than likely you're going to get questions from people asking what your limits are and you need to that out and be firm in keeping to them. It's your life and your decision and as long as you're happy with it, that's all that matters. Best of luck to you. On your first or second date, say "I've made a decision to completely refrain from sexual activity until marriage.

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I don't mean this to be coy. You can expect that many religious people who are okay with or even value your decision will break up with you unless you sincerely adopt their faith. It's a very large world so I'm sure someone would, but your odds of meeting them aren't necessarily great. You don't state your age. Are you under 18? If so, you can probably find some people, especially virgins, who will be okay with your decision insofar as it means rapidly marrying and getting laid. This is not likely to end well. If you're older than 25 or especially older than 30, I have to think you're going to have real problems.

People older than 25 or 30 are likely to have had long-term relationships and to have had sex, and to know and understand sex or at least fooling around as an important part of growing intimacy. I'm not trying to be cruel, and I really don't care one way or another what decisions you make about your sex life. But I cannot imagine for an instant being interested in someone who refused any kind of sexual activity before marriage. Especially when it isn't tied to some sort of religious scruples. The thing that strikes me as tricky is that people are delaying marriage much more so than they are delaying sex.

So, a guy who is eager to marry and likes you a lot might be a pretty good match however, most guys aren't ready to talk about marriage very early so the thought of waiting potentially years before consummating your relationship is probably a turnoff regardless of how much he likes you. I think muddgirl is onto something. And I agree with her that I don't think you need to disclose this right off the bat.

I mean, you can try and see how that goes but I think a little get-to-know you is warranted before this comes up. If a guy really likes you and wants to get married it could really work out. But, give the romance a chance to blossom. You could try to use code-words like "looking for an old fashioned guy who loves romance and wooing" or "interested in taking it slow" in your profile to do a little pre-weeding. And, yeah, I would think going for the religious guys might be your best bet but if you aren't religious and don't plan on it then that strikes me as a much bigger issue than sex before marriage.

Sex for the first time only happens once -- arguments about going to church could last forever! I'd say one of the most important things you can do to help yourself here is to avoid situations and relationships where the whole point is sex. Two people who have decided to postpone sex have a lot easier time of it than when only one of them has.

Take the bar scene for example. It's where a lot of people go to "meet people," but "meeting people" in this context generally means "meeting people to have sex with. I'm a little ambivalent about internet dating--even though I met my current girlfriend online--because it's divorced from real-world community in ways that can make things pretty surreal. Getting involved with someone whom none of your people know and vice versa can be done, but it carries its own set of problems, chief of which is that people who know each other via an organic community tend to know a lot about each other before they start getting to know each other per se.

So things like attitudes towards sex, family, life in general, etc. But if you aren't looking for any kind of religious community--which is the place you're most likely to find someone committed to this particular idea--online dating is probably as good a place to meet someone as any.

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You're narrowing your options, but as long as you only date people you know share your commitment, the difficulty will lie mostly in the finding them rather than the waiting-for-sex part as such. It's true that we don't know what the OP counts as "any kind of sexual relations. OP, you can definitely expect people to want you to be unambiguously clear about the definition of "sex" or "sexual relations," since people mean different things by these.

Well, I don't know if it's that much easier for girls. The stereotype you mentioned could make it hard for either, in different ways. It's hard for guys because they're seen as abnormal, but it's hard for girls because there's a lot of truth in the "Guys Want Sex" statement. I very firmly had the impression that anonymous meant no sexual contact, period. No oral, no hand jobs or other mutual masturbation, nothing that gets anyone off. The hard part is going to be getting over the hurdle of getting the partner to know you well enough to really fall for you, when anonymous's choice is one that will lead to frequent rejection before that point.

I could tolerate a religious partner The sort of religious partner who abstains from sex due to their religion is also the sort who will want you to convert. And converting for a partner is a pretty solid step over the "living a lie" line. But you know what? Fuck the general dating community and don't let them get you down.

You've got convictions and you'd do well to stick to them until you're married or you decide for yourself to change.

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You're not going to have much long-lived success in the bar scene, but we live in the future and if there's anything the Internet has proved, it's that no matter what your views are, someone out there shares them. They might be far away or quite different from your ideal, but all the same. You ought to drop the "I don't have sex" line as immediately as possible however, not just to not waste time, but to preserve your own feelings. You don't want to be on Date 3 with Awesome Guy only to realize that he won't compromise.

I feel the opposite of this. If I met a boy who didn't want sexual relations before marriage, I would admire his fairly quixotic stance and the strength of character that it requires and how different it makes him than most people, and all of those things would make me like him more. But I tend to like strange people, and I tend to not mind "walking collection[s] of issues and baggage" and I tend to do dating things weirdly anyway.

You may just need to look for partners that appreciate people who are out-of-the-ordinary, assuming you are out-of-the-ordinary in other ways too. Or, date people you already know in another context. Maybe you will slowly fall in love with one and he or she will slowly fall in love with you, already knowing your stance on sex, and then when to disclose it is a non-issue. The thing about being a person who doesn't want sex until marriage is that you aren't going to fit into someone's "lover slot. And then they go out in the world and look for a person to fit in that slot.

Usually that person has to meet certain qualifications to fit in that slot. You just need to find someone who is not looking to fill a lover slot. You need to find someone who meets you and then makes a you-slot and you fill a you-slot because you are you. People who feel similarly will be as frustrated as you are. If you're upfront about it early on then the ones for whom that's a deal breaker will know to move on, and the ones who feel likewise will be relieved and grateful. I actually think this is kind of backwards, in my experience. If I think about, say, my coworkers who happen to be single, I have no idea what their attitudes are toward sex.

But if I meet someone on a dating site, I'm likely to find out their attitudes toward sex almost immediately. I've had some relationships that started offline with people who were already in my social circle, and I've had others where I met her online and we were learning about each other from scratch. The relationships where we were already in the same social circle didn't automatically cause us to understand each other's attitudes toward sex or family or marriage or life in any special way that wasn't possible with the relationships that sprang from a dating site.

If there is to be no orgasms in each other's presence, then this is definitely something that should be brought up before hand-holding, canoodling, or really flirting of any sort. But again, I don't think it's something that needs to be mentioned to every person that shares coffee and getting-to-know-you chatter. To be perfectly honest, yes, you're only realistic dating pool is the highly religious. Sure there will be exceptions, but very few and they aren't a distinct group of people you can really target.

Very, very few people will be willing to have zero sexual contact before marriage. I don't know how old you are, but if you're outside of your teens or early 20's this pool will shrink even more. Even the wait until marriage religious crowd usually translate into the waiting until you're in a very serious relationship to have sex after dating for a very long time crowd. There are lots of people in the "go slow" "wait several months" "have only 1 - 3 sexual partners ever" crowd, but not many in the absolutely no sexual contact before marriage crowd.

But to more answer your question. Yes you should be totally upfront.

This is an absolute deal breaker for most people and not something you are likely to talk them into a lot of people are willing to go very slow, but not wait until marriage so I don't think trying to warm them up to the idea if you are really serious about this will be effective. All I can say is be confident and unashamed about it and you might meet a secular person who is willing to forgo sex in this one instance, but really I wouldn't hold out hope for that. I think your best bet with secular people is to have a long friendship with an individual you are interested in before dating is even a possibility.

So that they know you and know why you feel the way you do about sex before marriage and then they can make a fully informed choice about moving into a romantic relationship. Your best bet is attending conservative churches who often actively engage in matchmaking of one kind or another or heading to the internet and putting it upfront in your profile.

Also, religiously geared dating sites would be a good idea. However, you have to remember that most people that are so religious that they insist on waiting for all sexual contact until marriage as in not simply "technical virginity" emphasis on the quotes are usually going to want someone equally as religious and are generally not interested in someone that is not religious or not devoutly religious.

Not to mention not raised in the same faith and denomination. This doesn't appear to be you, so if you are open to religion and this is admittedly coming from someone who is very not , now may be the time to pick a church not necessarily Christianity it's just an easy example and get involved. This is absolutely true, but the unspoken third category here is "someone who is looking to fill a relationship-with-no-sex slot, for one of a myriad problematic psychological reasons". That's why, hypothetically, if you hadn't ruled it out in your question, I would be urging you to confront and challenge your absolutism, rather than risk coming to think of it as a proudly-chosen stance, but given that you phrased your question as you did, my main point is to be on the lookout for such people and filter them out.

Another site seems Christian-oriented. I've dated two women who made the same choice you're making. In both cases, they made it clear early on, and that was for the best. We talked about it by the 3rd date in both cases. Dating without sex is actually pretty easy. The trick is to make sure you have that conversation so the person you're dating will know what to expect and won't feel like you're being a tease.


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Having that talk as early on as you feel comfortable with will be very helpful. It's actually no different than having the talk about children - whether or not you eventually want them. Sure, it'll be a dealbreaker for some, but that's fine since they're not the sort of people you'd want to date anyway, right? You want to date people who share your values - or, at the very least, respect your values.

Sadly, when you tell a date you're not going to have sex before you're married, you will probably have to explain why you're making that decision because, as you know, many people won't understand. If you're online dating, I don't think you have to mention it in your ad or profile, but you really do need to talk about it early on 2nd or 3rd date, perhaps so you don't inadvertently lead a guy on.

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Once he knows what you're comfortable with, you can have fantastically flirty dates. I think the obvious and recommended route has been covered: The harder part is being prepared for the question of why. Let's say I am your date, and that 'abstinent' does not mean no physical contact. I may be willing to accept that for a couple dates to see if I like you, but you better believe I'm going to ask you why you're not willing to have PIV sex. I won't mean it in a confrontational way- I just want to know the shape of that boundary very clearly, and it also tells me more about you.

My first assumption would be that you're religious, but obviously that's not the case. So are you willing to outline your reasons clearly? You're wasting my time if you aren't. Have a script ready, like 'I get attached easily when sex is involved and I want to avoid that before a formal commitment is made,' etc. If you were able to articulate something like that I would stick around, but if not, I would be mildly annoyed and would not call you back.

What It's Actually Like to Date Someone Who's Celibate

I'd avoid the religious if only because you're very unlikely to find one whose only damning quirk in terms of what society considers normal is that they don't want sex before marriage. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it's extraordinarily unlikely.

What If I'm A Virgin? (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

Honestly your best bet is going to be online dating. OKCupid is probably the best one, in my own limited experience, and offers a wide variety of people. If you're going to find someone at all, your best chances are at finding them there. If you go that route, I would very strongly recommend that you put that info in your profile somewhere.

You don't have to be strident about it but it's a pretty solid dealbreaker for a lot of people and there's no point in wasting your time or theirs. Even so, I would still advise that you can expect to deal with folks who will say they're okay with it but either not believe you, or try to change your mind.

The above, and some of the other advice in this thread, will perhaps improve your chances. But your view of relationships is kind of far outside the norm, and nothing at all can guarantee success. Basically you're a statistical outlier and you're looking for another one. Which I realize probably sounds like a downer, so let me finish by saying that I have nothing but respect and admiration for your dedication and your discipline, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck out there.

Online, long-distance, and upfront about no fucking before the nupping. Put your cards on the table and get to know the other people from a distance.

This will weed out most people, including everyone who really likes to fuck, so you're going to end up with someone who, apparently like you, can pretty much take or leave fucking. Lots of good answers here, but here's mine - Make sure you date with heavy focus on marriage and keep your expectations in check. Personally, I would wait for the right girl but I'd have to know there was a short time-table.

Understand, though, that this is a major downside to dating you, so be realistic about the kinds of people you are going for. Adding another vote to being careful of dating people from other religions and cultures. This is an epic minefield, especially if you are looking for a marriage with liberal western values.

I think dating will be difficult for you no matter what. I am not trying to disparage your choice, I just don't think you have any easy solutions ahead of you, so you may as well prepare yourself. With that in mind, you might want to consider asking yourself these five questions and being very honest with yourself: What if I have selected for someone who won't be all that interested after marriage? Someone who cannot or will not function sexually may see you as a safe haven. How will I signal that I am willing to make up for this and be flexible, that I am not generally rigid?

How you answer these can help determine your dating strategy.


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I was brought up this way but "rebelled" and had sex outside of marriage when I was 20 and a half, that too with a boy who was half foreign as I thought he would not be running around telling everyone that I was a "bad girl" as things were a few decades ago in my culture. I even had a live-in boyfriend in college with a rocking sex life ;p Today I've been celibate mostly a conscious decision, partly circumstance and a sprinkle of personal history for about 5 years barring one single experience 3. Recently, she went out with a man who kept talking about sex, but told her that he was waiting for marriage before he did the deed.

I met Jay on Tinder, which is the dating site I like the best at the moment - there just seems to be a better quality of men. Jay was good looking, seemed to have a good sense of humour, and ran his own business. He seemed pretty okay online and his texts to me were fun, so I agreed to meet up for drinks. He was waiting for me when I arrived. At least my weight has stayed the same. From then on, he kept talking about sex. I just kept sipping on my wine as he spoke about all this.